


Where's Heinz?

by Chaos_Valkyrie



Series: Agent O [9]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Family Feels, Friends to Enemies, Human Perry, Job Termination, M/M, Negotiations, Ocelot Agent Heinz, Pre-Slash, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-05 19:08:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6717616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaos_Valkyrie/pseuds/Chaos_Valkyrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Heinz blinked, looking up from his food. The front door shut, and before Heinz could move the sound of a very familiar tread walked into the kitchen and halted abruptly.</p><p>Heinz’s ears flattened and he cringed, turning slowly to meet Doctor B’s stunned expression.</p><p>‘Agent O?!’</p><p>*****</p><p>aka, Operation 'Shit Hitting the Fan' officially starts now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Got tissues? Thar' be angst ahead.

Heinz loved all his kids. Yes, Phineas and Ferb were easy for him to love, because he saw all that he had wanted to be as a child within them.

But Candace needed him too. Phineas and Ferb had each other for all their secrets and planning and everything else, but Candace, while she could gossip for hours on the phone with Stacey, still had some secrets that couldn’t be shared with even the best of friends or most easy-going of parents.

And Heinz had lived long enough to be open to a lot of secrets. So when Candace needed him, he would purr and chirp and scent-mark his little girl at all the right places, and unconditionally support her as much as he could. Even as he wished for Candace to leave the boys’ brilliance alone, he still rubbed up against her after each failure to bust them, most often receiving a trembling hug in return.

He loved all his kids unconditionally. So Heinz, after his discovery, made sure to take extra precautions.

When the boys went to their Uncle’s, he made extra sure to stay at home.

When Halloween came, and Uncle Perry came to take all the neighborhood kids trick-or-treating, Heinz hid down in his lair away from all the activity. (That’s actually a bit of a lie. He did sneak upstairs for a few minutes to snap some surveillance footage. The boys and company had decided on a circus theme for their costumes, and he just had to get photos of the formidable Doctor B dressed in the costume they’d designed for him. Heinz thought the coconut shells were rather fetching, as was Doctor B’s stoic look of long-suffering. Lots of photos. Y’know, for the official records and all.)

Thanksgiving he spent with the family before and after Uncle Perry came for dinner. The kids were a bit disappointed that Heinz hadn’t been present for the meal, but he couldn’t take any chances.

Christmas was approaching soon, and Heinz already had plans in place to spend the maximum amount of time with the kids, yet avoid their uncle. It would be difficult, but doable.

Too bad he hadn’t accounted for a surprise visit.

*****

It was midmorning, ten days before Christmas. The kids were at their last day of school, Lawrence was at the shop, and Linda was putting groceries away before heading out for a gig. Heinz was finishing his breakfast and mulling over a problem with the –inator he was working on down in his lair. There was a hitch with some of the wiring, and he was so focused on the problem that he completely missed the doorbell ring.

“I forgot you were coming by to check out the boys’ tool collection! I’ve got to go now for a gig at the mall, just lock up before you leave!” Linda’s voice echoed down the hall.

Heinz blinked, looking up from his food. The front door shut, and before Heinz could move the sound of a very familiar tread walked into the kitchen and halted abruptly.

Heinz’s ears flattened and he cringed, turning slowly to meet Doctor B’s stunned expression.

‘Agent O?!’

Heinz felt his tail curl in as he reluctantly signed ‘Doctor’ back.

‘You’re H-E-I-N-Z?!’ the man finger-spelled jerkily, the shock bleeding away into anger. Heinz nodded miserably, and the man leapt forward, grabbing Heinz’s forearm none-too-gently. Heinz startled, and the man jerkily finger-spelled ‘L-A-I-R.’ Doctor B’s face was impassive, but his eyes were burning with anger.

He shook Heinz a little, repeating, ‘L-A-I-R, N-O-W.’

Heinz nodded jerkily, leading the irate scientist outside to the tree elevator in the backyard. As soon as they entered the lair, Doctor B dropped Heinz’s arm and marched over to the MMM, tapping a few buttons quickly. Monogram’s and Carl’s faces came up on the monitor instantly, and they both looked startled.

“Doctor Platypus! Are you in trouble, Agent O?”

‘Yes he is,’ Doctor B signed tensely. Monogram looked confused while Carl sighed. 

“It sign-language, sir,” he announced before Monogram could say something to make the situation worse. “He says Agent O is in trouble.”

“Great googly moogly!” Monogram exclaimed, but Doctor B was already signing directly at Carl. Heinz just stood there like he was awaiting execution.

Carl gasped. “He says that Agent O’s host family is his family, sir!”

Monogram looked confused. “What does he mean by, his family?”

Carl rolled his eyes. “Lawrence Fletcher is his mother’s cousin. They’re the reason he moved to Danville.”

Monogram focused on Heinz. “Did you know about this, Agent O?” Heinz nodded miserably, and Monogram scowled. “For how long?!” 

Heinz signed a shaking, ‘Three months,’ to Carl, who stared back at him sympathetically as he translated. Doctor B refused to look at him at all.

“This goes against every host family protocol on the books, Agent O!” Monogram raged. “Agents can’t be hosted by enemy families! When discovered, the agent is supposed to request instant reassignment! You know that!”

Heinz nodded again. He did know that – that’s why he never said anything.

“Pack up your things and report back to HQ at once. Congratulations, Heinz, you can finally go back to your precious retirement, permanently.”

“But sir!” Carl gasped, while Heinz mewed frantically.

Monogram refused to acknowledge either of them. “A new agent will be assigned to you at once, Doctor Platypus. We’re sorry about this horrific breach of our regulations.”

The Doctor nodded sharply, once, and returned to the tree elevator without looking at Heinz and all.

The monitor blinked off, and Heinz slumped to the floor, defeated.

*****

When he left the lair, carrying a cardboard box holding the problematic –inator, some tools and his hat, Carl and Agent Silent-G were waiting for him next to Carl’s car outside the garage. 

“Agent O,” Carl started, but Heinz shook his head, shoulders still slumped. The other two nodded sadly and helped put his box into the trunk. There was no point in collecting anything from inside the house – he was essentially a ‘lost pet’ now, never to be found.

He slumped into the front seat of the car, and stared forlornly at the home he’d never get to see again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now for Perry’s side of things.

Doctor Bartholomew Percival Platypus – Perry for short – knew his nemesis was brilliant from the first moment he met him. No other OWCA agent had ever understood any sign language before Agent O. For years he had snapped off that same set of signs, repeatedly, and had only ever received looks of confusion or ignorance in return.

He had never realized, until the wiry ocelot with dark blue eyes, just how disappointed he had been before now. How resigned, never having anyone he could monologue to. 

But Agent O did not disappoint. For what felt like the thousandth time, he put his evil little heart out on the line, only to have this possibly-new-failed-nemesis blink at him. Rise cautiously from his fighting position – smart enough to remain on guard, Perry happily noted – and sign back.

‘Hello, Doctor,’ the ocelot signed to him, and he stood there, truly stunned, knowing he stood on the threshold of something great.

And it had been great. Months of an utterly brilliant working relationship, conjuring up evil schemes and being brilliantly thwarted in return…

And then something more. That day Agent O refused to thwart him, instead happily letting the renowned animal-murderer that was the mayor be drenched with pigeon shit. Working with Perry to stop Rodney from cold-bloodedly killing an OWCA Agent he, Agent O himself, so obviously disliked. The Sunrise of Our Lives marathon.

And Perry had just fucked it all up, royally. A moment of panic turned him ruthless – fear for his only remaining family, fear that things might turn out like BEFORE (his mind shied away from those memories), fear that his nemesis-ship with Agent O – Heinz, apparently – was just some kind of deliberately cruel joke to Heinz – had caused him to lash out and force away the one person who wasn’t blood to ever treat him with any sort of blind equanimity.

Heinz never acted like he was some sort of freak for being deliberately mute. Only seemed surprised that no one had realized or understood it before.

Heinz never held back. Never treated him like he was damaged, or deranged, or different. He always patiently let Perry monologue with his hands, then thwarted him with every skill he possessed.

Heinz never judged. Sure, he came, he saw, he thwarted. But he never turned Perry over to the authorities. Never told Perry he was being petty or immature. Hell, he occasionally deliberately let Perry win, no matter what it did to his own records, if he thought the recipient deserved what they got.

But Perry saw and recognized the guilt in Heinz’s eyes, that moment their alter-egos met each other in his cousin’s house, and in fear for his kids he lashed out without giving the agent time to explain himself. And now Perry had a new nemesis – the agent both he and Heinz couldn’t stand – and a shitload of guilt. 

He had been in the garage, torn between his own anger and hurt, when the intern and Agent Gnu pulled up. He watched his former nemesis leave the backyard. He finally saw, firsthand, what an utterly defeated Agent O looked like.

A part of him shattered inside, seeing his nem-, – no, the ocelot – in such a state. The rest of him was still angry, and smothered those other feelings relentlessly. He turned away to check out what tools the boys did and didn’t have so he’d know what to get them for Christmas, and didn’t turn back until he heard the car pull away again.

Then he went home, grabbed a bottle of something with a high percentage of alcohol, and binge-invented all night.

Freshly shaved and showered the next morning (not looking quite as hungover as he felt), the first new blow to his already shattered heart came when his front door was knocked down halfway through breakfast, and the panda came in. He smirked at Perry, and without letting him get a single sign off, smashed the –inator into the wall and took off out the skylight with his jetpack.

The rude little shit.

The next blow came after lunch. He had offered at Thanksgiving to help the kids shop for their presents once school got out. He’d barely parked his sedan in front of their house (the black van was his work-car) when the kids piled in through the doors. He turned to greet them, until he noticed their faces.

“Uncle P! Uncle P!” Phineas began, his young face anxious, “Mom said you came by yesterday. Did you see Heinz when you left?”

Perry’s stomach knotted up as he even as he shook his head. Technically, he hadn’t seen him when he himself left, so he wasn’t completely lying to the boys.

“You know he just wanders off sometimes, guys. I’m sure he’ll be back,” Candace told them, but the look on her face told Perry she was just putting up a strong front for her little brothers.

“But rarely all day, and never overnight!” Phineas refuted, wringing his hands in his lap. Ferb was stoic as usual, but Perry could see the deep furrow between his eyes.

Perry snapped his fingers to get their attention, then signed, ‘When we get back, I’ll help you invent something to find him.’

“Thanks Uncle Perry!” all three kids chorused, and Perry tried to swallow down the guilt that was about to choke him.

Later that afternoon, he leaned against the oak tree over the boys and Candace, having just finished wiring together a massive speaker system. 

Phineas smiled at Ferb, before motioning to the laptop between them. “Activate the Ocel-At-tractor 3000. If Heinz is anywhere in the Tri-State Area, this’ll bring him home.”

The speakers sounded out a high-pitched, utterly affectionate mewl – obviously a recording of Agent O – that made Perry’s heart clench. The bushes rustled…

…and the backyard was suddenly full of ocelots.

“Wow. I didn’t know there were so many ocelots in Danville.”

While Perry could tell at a glance that none of these cats were Agent O / Heinz, there were a few that looked decently close. Maybe they could find a new pet from the hoard?

The kids started handling each ocelot in turn and listed exactly what was wrong with each and every one.

“This one’s too spotty. Not spotty enough. Has yellow eyes, not blue like Heinz. Nose isn’t pink enough. Too pink.”

The list went on, detailing some things that even Perry didn’t know about his former nemesis. 

“Voice is too deep. Doesn’t chirp like Heinz. Tail doesn’t twitch right.” 

“Purrs wrong. Doesn’t like ice cream. Doesn’t like chick flicks.”

Perry and the boys looked at Candace for those last two. “What?! What do you think we do when you’re over at Uncle Perry’s? He loves the BBC Pride and Prejudice. He purrs for all five hours.”

Perry snorted a bit in agreement, remembering how Heinz didn’t seem to notice his own purring through the Sunrise of Our Lives marathon. He then cringed in heartache again, thankful that his niece and nephews didn’t notice.

****

Five days before Christmas, and Perry’s anger had completely abandoned him. His kids’ increasing desperation, the fond memories they shared even as they frantically scoured the city for Heinz, made him realize that Agent O was more than just ‘undercover’.

Heinz had known the stakes. He kept the knowledge of Perry’s relationship to the kids a secret for three months, knowing those consequences. The aura of utter defeat that enveloped him when his friends came to retrieve him once and for all.

Heinz violated his own agency’s regulations because he absolutely refused to abandon Phineas, Ferb, and Candace.

Perry knew he had to make this right. For all of them. And, thanks to Heinz’s inadvertent little slips in the past, he maybe knew where to start.

Dressed impeccably as ‘Doctor B’, he contacted OWCA via his large villain’s monitor system. Monogram came on screen, and Perry signed to him. The Major frowned.

“Carl! He’s doing that thing with his hands again,” the Major exclaimed, and Perry bristled.

A weary sigh answered. “Its sign-language, sir,” the younger voice answered exasperatedly, and Perry almost smiled as the young freckled ginger popped up on screen.

‘I need to speak to Agent O’s Science Bro,’ Perry signed to the younger man, who suddenly got a cagey look in his eyes.

“What’s he saying,” Monogram asked, looking between the two.

“He’s asking whether Peter the Panda is on assignment during the holidays, sir,” Carl replied immediately. While Monogram monologued in the foreground, Carl signed from behind him, ‘Noon, 305 North Street, you buy.’

As Monogram finished his speech, Perry nodded – to Carl – and signed off.

*****

11:55 am found him in the café, seated strategically facing the door and having already scoped out all possible entrances and exits. He’d been here since just after 11 am, too anxious to risk possibly missing this meeting with ‘Science Bro.’

The ginger from the monitor appeared in the doorway and glared at Perry head on. Perry nodded in return, then nodded at the barista – whom he had notified before – that his order was to go on Perry’s tab. Carl placed his order, and within a few minutes, sat himself across from the infamous Doctor B.

“You’re a jackass,” the ginger instantly told him. Perry nodded and shrugged – he deserved that.

‘I panicked,’ he signed back, ‘but you’re not wrong,’ he got out before Carl could interrupt.

“Those kids were everything to Agent O – he hasn’t had a family or any real friends since almost before I was born,” Carl snarled. Perry wondered, but ignored for the time being the implications of that statement. 

‘Those kids are everything to me – for the same reasons – and I acted without thinking. I couldn’t stand the thought of him – my first –‘ he aborted that sign, ‘using them against me,’ he finished. ‘I panicked and I fucked up,’ he continued. ‘How do I make this right?’

“It won’t be easy,” Carl sighed, “But I think I might know a way.” He smiled. 

Perry shuddered at that smile. If Carl ever turned evil, here might be a true rival for von Roddenstein.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look for the conclusion on Sunday!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Heinz.

Heinz had had some pretty rough days in his life. The day he was abandoned in the woods by his human parents. The day he left his true parents and Drusselstein behind. The days his last true family member died, and he was alone again. The day Kevin finally went too far, and Heinz was officially ordered to neutralize him. The first time Rodney tried to kill him, on assignment all those years ago, and he suddenly realized just how much the man really, truly hated him.

None of those days mattered anymore. This day was the day he lost absolutely everything he had ever cared about – his family, his best nemesis, most of his acquaintances – all in one go.

This was lowest point of his entire life.

Carl and Newton drove him back to HQ, and Heinz forced himself to hold his head high as he walked the gauntlet of Agent Cubicles to go back to his private office. He could hear the whispers start up the moment his right hind-paw entered the territory.

He glared at the smirk on the Duck’s bill – Heinz knew it was because of him the news of his disgrace had spread so quickly.

He received a few sympathetic looks – mostly from canine agents, who best knew the pains of split-loyalty – as he marched through the sea of cubicles, utterly grateful to have Carl and Newton at his back.

He kept his composure even as he reached his office. He turned and nodded to both Carl and Newton – who accepted his gratitude understandingly – and taking his box from Carl, shut himself in his office.

He slid the deadbolts home, punched in the code to lock his office down completely, dropped the box, took a deep shuddering breath, and then dove across the room.

He curled up in the tightest ball he could underneath his desk, and finally let everything go.

*****

He didn’t know how much time passed. He heard the signal – a recording of his own affectionate mewl of ‘you’re mine,’ reverberate through the building. It was put out by his kids – it had to have been – and he would’ve answered…

…but he sensed the presence of OWCA’s fiercest predator-agents outside his door, and knew no matter how desperately he fought, he’d never make it to his kids in one piece.

*****

On day three – apparently – he found out that the new Agent assigned to Doctor B was Peter the Panda. 

His access to Peter and Doctor B’s logs was now ‘restricted’ – he snorted – like he’d ever let that stop him before.

He hacked into the system, read Peter’s report of the previous day’s thwarting, and died a little bit more inside.

Peter made it sound amazing. He went in, he saw, he thwarted – he perfectly described Doctor B’s look of astonishment. Heinz knew how rare and hard-won that look was. 

There was only one way Peter could be even more perfect. 

Did Peter know ASL? Probably. Perfect Peter the Nemesis Stealer. 

Peter had a reputation, among all the agents. Anytime someone had to take some time off – for whatever reason – if Peter was called in to substitute, inevitably, that agent was forced to ask for nemesis reassignment. Because Peter was supposedly so amazing to have as a nemesis, no evil scientist ever wanted their original nemesis back.

And now it was his turn.

The only consolation he had was that so many more of the other agents would sympathize with him now that he too had had his nemesis stolen by Peter.

*****

Day four had Heinz antsy. He had finally run out of his hidden food stash in his office, and his paws longed for the oblivion of invention.

He knew this building better than anyone – agent or officer – alive. He made sure his office was completely locked down, then set off a few scent-targeting bombs by his door and scurried through the ventilation system to his personal laboratory. 

By the time his guard-detail realized what was happening, it was too late.

The security he had in place on his office was formidable. On his laboratory – they didn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell.

Plus, he had vending machines in the lab. With almond brittle. He knew exactly how he was spending the upcoming holiday.

He was binging on coffee and brittle and –inators. Just like he had every other Christmas since Otto had died.

*****

The next five days passed in a blur. His paws were numb from working non-stop. His eyes were heavy with insomnia, and he knew that if he tried to stand still, he would only sway more alarmingly in his weariness.

All he wanted at this point was to make that damned buzzing go away.

It took a while for the buzzing to penetrate the fog he was in. Understandable. It was the wrist communicator – the new prototype he was working on, not his personal own, he’d been forced to turn that one in.

He growled, but seeing that it was Carl trying to reach him, he sliced open the comm.

“Agent O!” Carl cried, and Heinz’s ears went back, wounded. Carl at least had the decency to apologize.

“Sorry Heinz. Monogram needs to see you in his office, STAT.”

Heinz narrowed his eyes at his friend. Carl looked chagrinned. 

“You know I wouldn’t have called you if it wasn’t a total emergency, Heinz. Not even for Monogram.” Carl tapped his chest twice and pointed at Heinz, a signal Heinz returned – Science Bros till the end.

Heinz nodded at Carl, pointed at the door, then signed, ‘Are the thugs gone at least?’

Carl winced again. “Yes… as well as most everyone else. You’d best get to Monogram for the full story.”

*****

“Agent –“ Monogram hesitated at the dangerous look on Heinz’s face.

“Heinz. We have a situation,” Heinz simply tilted his head sarcastically. Monogram cleared his throat, forging on. “OWCA Agents from all over have been disappearing, some even mid-mission. Our hotlines have been inundated with evil scientists complaining about schemes going unthwarted. And today, we received this.” Monogram held out a single sheet of paper to Heinz, who read it and then glared at Monogram.

“There is literally no one else to send on this mission, Heinz,” Monogram told him, and Heinz nodded. He pulled out his notepad, like he had just over a year before, and wrote down another, single request.

Monogram read it, before his eyes flew up to meet Heinz’s.

“He won’t like that, Heinz,” Monogram warned, and Heinz shrugged.

Given the pit of complete and utter despair he’d stewed in recently, Heinz really didn’t give a fuck.

*****

Heinz, with his jet-pack, touched down on the oh-so-painfully-familiar balcony. He kicked the doors open, marching inside to face down his greatest – and worst – nemesis.

At least Doctor B could look him in the eye this time.

‘Where are the hostage agents,’ he signed, looking around at the blaringly empty apartment. 

‘As soon as I detected you coming, I let them go,’ Doctor B signed back.

‘That was stupid, especially for you,’ Heinz replied, then crossed his forearms. Doctor B’s expression minutely changed, betraying just a hint of confusion.

‘I wanted you here so I could apologize. I want you back as my nemesis. The kids want you back period,’ Doctor B signed slowly, allowing for no confusion. Heinz nodded.

‘You should’ve just killed me that day, it would’ve been kinder.’ Heinz signed impassively, and Doctor B cringed. ‘You ripped away everything I’ve ever wanted and loved all at once. And after days of agony, I’ve made my own choice.’

Doctor B – Uncle Perry – flinched when Heinz’s paw shot out, presenting the same notepad he had given to Monogram only an hour before. Doctor B read what was written there and paled.

‘But –‘

‘I made a choice. I want my family back. Phineas and Ferb and Candace. They chose me to be theirs of their own free will. No manipulation, no OWCA, no nothing. If I can’t have everything,’ Heinz gulped painfully before signing, ‘I’d rather give up being your nemesis than give up my family.’

‘You wouldn’t even look at me or let me explain,’ Heinz finished in a whisper, not in sign but in the language of all animals, not realizing that Perry could understand him.

Perry nodded, slowly, and handed the notepad back to Heinz. 

‘Okay,’ Perry nodded, full of emotion and too lost for words for anything else. ‘Okay.’

Heinz nodded to him one last time, then turned and walked back to the balcony. He hit the thrusters, and was gone.

*****

Christmas Day dawned bright, and grim.

It was almost perfect in every respect – snow covered the ground, the Christmas tree was almost buried with gifts – but still no sign of Heinz.

Perry sat by his cousin, upset by the lack of family ocelot.

Not to mention the kids. They were positively wilted without their pet, barely plucking at their presents in their funk.

Until Phineas finally heard the frantic scratching at the front door.

“Heinz!” he screamed, Ferb and Candace bolting to their feet only a moment behind. Perry followed them, watching as Phineas flung the front door open.

Heinz lunged into the room, purring wildly even as he ranted in animal-speak about ‘fucking Monogram and his fucking paperwork’. He curled himself around each child and frantically scent marked them, even as they all three tried to pet and hug and cling to him in return.

He rubbed against each child, and no one but Perry understood, really understood, exactly what his vocalized ‘mrowrs’ meant.

‘Don’t worry. You’re mine. You’re all mine.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To settle any confusion, the sheet of paper that Monogram gives Heinz is Perry’s list of demands in exchange for releasing his hostages. In summation:  
> 1\. Send Heinz in exchange.  
> 2\. Assign Heinz as his nemesis again.  
> 3\. Return Heinz to his host family.
> 
> Heinz is not above bargaining himself, and he knows (even if Monogram doesn’t) that the agents are in no real danger. His notepad tells Monogram that he’s staying retired, but he’ll go on this one last mission in exchange for getting his host family back.
> 
> You didn’t think it’d be easy, did you? See you Wednesday!

**Author's Note:**

> Next time: Perry's POV. So you can see what the hell just happened.


End file.
